There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
