Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
