I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
