I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
