He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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