Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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