Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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