I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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