We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
