haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
