She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
