Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
