i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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