Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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