Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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