Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
