Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
