Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
