They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
