I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
