I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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