i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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