It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
These tits shall not be calmed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
