I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
