you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
