Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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