I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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