I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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