ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
