if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
