You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
