What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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