At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
