Cold hands, warm shart.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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