Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
