Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
