she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
