I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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