...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
