I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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