My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
