We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm both gender and math confused
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
