my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
