if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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