so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
