Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
