I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
