I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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