so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
