All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
